


Niall Horan's Rules to Dating

by paytontanner



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Brothers, Dating, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 01:30:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paytontanner/pseuds/paytontanner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall sits down and writes a book. A book about having four band mates named Louis, Liam, Zayn and Harry. And how you should never ask them for advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Niall Horan's Rules to Dating

**Author's Note:**

> I adapted this from an old JB story I had. Just think it's cute and funny and stuff. Cheers.

Their should be a rule book. Like a “being a pop-star for dummies” type of guide to living. It would've come in handy. Easily explaining how to handle girls weeping puddles at your feet, screaming like bloody hyenas in your ear, or perhaps taking advantage of your band mates humour, taste, style, and connections to pull a date with an older lady. However, over my very short life spent as the cutest member of the biggest boy band in the world I've established a few rules of my own.

If you want to know how to make a girl laugh you go to Louis, but for Gods sake, don't ask him where to take her. If you need advice on the best place to dine a girl you go to Liam, but never ask him what to wear, and make sure you don't give him even a hint at the details of your planned night. If you want to know what to wear go to Zayn but never let him touch your hair unless you want to choke on hairspray fumes that are most likely eroding your lungs and cloggin your arteries(no matter what he says otherwise). And if you want to take an older women out on a date, and don't want an argument about how you have the maturity of a peanut, go to Harry.

Once you have accomplished arranging a date with this older women, and you know just how to make her laugh to keep her comfortable, and the best place in town to wine and dine her, and exactly what outfit turns you into a dime-piece, don't let any of these band mates know your plans. Especially not the one that you begged to hook you up with the cougar.

“Why all the strict adherence to rules?” you may ask. Simple. The one who got you the date has a loud mouth and goes around telling everyone, including media, and your protective band mates, how he managed to get you a date with some hot twenty-eight year old bird, when you're only nineteen. If you've been foolish enough to let this happen, you may as well find a cave to spend the rest of your life in, because once this private matter is made public Zayn will start looking for his favorite jacket (the one you've conveniently borrowed without permission) and once he realises it's missing, he will mumble something about hunting down a cougar and killing a clothes thief who was, in his opinion only going to look like a puppy drowning in the skin of a wolf. Of course then Liam, daddy direction, will start looking for his keys because he told you where to take the life ruiner for a good time and there is no way he is going to allow her to steal a young boys innocence over a plate of lasagne at HIS favourite Italian café in down town London. Louis will decide to go along for the ride to attempt to keep the mood light, and take the piss out of you, and of course that means Harry has to go as well because he's the only one who even knows what this women looks like, so he has to flop his giant hair all over the restaurant so he can point and yell, “There they are!”

Now if you've been unfortunate enough to not sort this all out beforehand, and you make the mistakes previously listed, don't be too surprised when your date is lifting a forkful of noodle to your lips, and you hear that yell rise above the chatter of the restaurant, “There they are!” You will not have time to turn around and confirm that was indeed the same band mate that set you up with the fit little minx of a date across from you. You will feel a forceful tug on your shoulder as a handful of jacket pulls you from your seat, and you will think the world is completely unfair as the plate of pasta budges off the table and splatters all over your trousers and your date. The pulling sensation will tug you backwards before you have the time to realise that Liam is literally dragging you out of the restaurant and Zayn is lecturing you on the harshness of leather against such a fragile Irish skin tone. 

Your date, all twenty eight glorious years of curves and bombshell blonde will shriek and look proper confused as Harry leads her away from that table that you would've played footsie underneath, letting your foot travel up her endless legs. You will see it perfectly, right at the tips of your vision, while Liam is dragging you to the car and Zayn is lecturing you on finding the right fabrics for different colour pallets.

You will hear Louis's cackle from somewhere behind you, asking if she brought a bottle and a spare diaper when she decided to rob the cradle. Liam will start informing you on the dangers of dating people that Harry sets you up with and stealing other people's personal property, “You know how much Zayn loves that jacket.” Zayn will second that with a nod, and you can be certain you will hear Harry pulling your date, telling her how good she looks in marinara while dabbing cheekily at her dress with napkins. 

All the while you will feel your face burning with embarrassment; you will know that you're coloured a brilliant shade of red. You swear you will never date again because “it's fucking not worth it”. You will mentally make plans with becoming best friends with your guitar, and you will write a song about this one day, a song full of angst and misery.

In the end Zayn checks your wardrobe everyday to make sure you haven't stolen any of his items under false pretenses'. Liam lectures you every time he has the chance for the next month and since you're stuck on a bus (world tour, remember?) he has lots of chances for administering lectures. Louis looks at you and laughs every time you so much as make eye contact with the little devil, and Harry takes your date out every time you break in London for the next three months.

As for you, you sit down and write a book. A book about rules and how only strict adherence to them will bring about a satisfactory outcome. You title it, 'Niall Horan's Rules to Live by'. Believe me, once you've lived through that kind of humiliation, you will definitely learn the rules that I've come to live by.

Not that any of this has actually ever happened, I’m just saying that these are the rules that everyone should know, especially if you have four band mates named Louis, Liam, Zayn, and Harry.


End file.
